Saturday, July 08, 2006
菩提本无树,何处惹尘埃...
菩提本无树,明镜亦非台,本来无一物,何处惹尘埃。 Very long time never post liao.. dun have much things to say anyway.. 生亦何欢,死亦何苦. Well.. glad that i am still alive still. 有太多人与物我放不下。 Games and watching show are just something for me to minimize and distract me from my suffering. Everynight is a sleepless night, and everytime i sleep, i wonder if i ever wake up again. People thought that i am slacking, dun bother to work for my future, hiding at home from outside and people.. I din try to explain or infact i dun know how to explain to them too. 世间事，岂能尽如人意，但求无愧于心。I myself have been asking whats wrong with me?? I have to give up my dreams, I dun know should i still continue to get the dip or just save the money. Can i still work?? Home is the only place which give me some peace. I feel that i can faint anytime outside.. Since Nov 05.. everything change.. life is never the same again for me, no peace of mind and more like a living zombie now..
I always wanted a simple life...人到无求品自高， 四大皆空我不行。名利钱财我不求，对我来说，钱财固可贵，爱情价更高。健康就是财富，到头来终究得尘归尘、土归土。无奈。。这一切通通都不属于我。 Sometime quite disappointed... seen alot of ppl who only care for themselves, 可能世间的腐败、弱肉强食，使得人们都变得自私自利了吧。。 人与人相处，本该互相信任、包容。或许我还是太天真了。。
世外人法无定法，然后知非法法也；天下事了犹未了，何妨以不了了之”。
我们做事为人，没有固定的模式，只要是好的起点好的目的没有恶意的行为，我们只要认真对待就可以了。没有必要过于牵强。天下的烦心事太多太多，人与人之间的，人与事物之间的，快乐的，不快乐的，我们都不应该多余计较。只要是怀着一颗大无畏的心，不要太在意世事的得与失，成与败，好与坏。我们才能过的快乐。
dd [5:43 AM]
Saturday, February 18, 2006
dd [11:20 AM]
Thursday, February 16, 2006
Tried everything...what should I do....
逝者如斯夫，不含昼夜。。。就这样过了三个月多，恶梦持续着。。或许只有在睡着时，我才有美梦吧，但有时我还真不敢睡。。虽然已经不怎么胸闷了，但那根以前中气十足的感觉已没了。还是喘一下喘一下的呼吸着。。有时只用嘴在呼吸着，根本感觉不到在呼吸， 那感觉太可怕了，就算知道自己有在呼吸，但又感觉不到。我一直在压抑着这恐惧感，不然真会崩溃。
上星期在医院留了两天观察，最终发现除了心跳较快以外，并无其他异常。因此医生在报告上写说由于紧张过度而导致喘气。真让我哭笑不得，心跳快就一定＝紧张？？这庸医就这样断定我的病情。我很肯定决不是由于紧张而造成我这样的，就算紧张也是病情造成的。（试想：谁能在三个月了病情毫无好转而若无其事？当感觉不到呼吸时当然会十分不安啦。〕我又不是在紧张时才呼吸困难！压力？？我天性乐天派，当兵读书时才压力耶！我知道若非身临其境是无法领会我的痛苦的，所以也不根那庸医争辩。不然最终定是介绍我看心理医生，到时不神经也变神经啦！（如有特异功能就把病转移到他身上！呵呵。。〕
若以中医的看法，我想会说我气虚，气短，气血不通而导致手脚无力，手心出汗，提不上气等。。鼻科医生也只给我喷鼻子的，并说好象是我下巴牙齿位置有一点不真确，要我看牙医。晕！这根我的呼吸也有关系吗？？？十二月的心脏检测竟然要等到三月复诊才知道结果！真是不知如何是好，一直在家休息就会好吗？？但也只有在家才让我决得最安心。好闷！只能一直看戏，玩游戏来麻醉自己，不让自己想太多。处此之外，我又能做什么呢。。。无奈～
孟子云:故天将降大任于斯人也,必先苦其心志,劳其筋骨,饿其体肤,空乏其身,行拂乱其所为,所以
动心忍性,增益其所不能。我只奢求做个凡夫俗子，过着平凡开心的日子。若真有天神，不要再考验我了，让我拿回那以前时时伤风感冒的身体即可。我不想再这样浑浑厄厄的过日子了。。。我真的好想踢球，出门，唱歌，工作，读书。。。我还有好多事情未完成啊！
dd [1:14 AM]
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Extroversion Profile
Your Extroversion Profile: |
| Cheerfulness: High |
| Activity Level: Medium |
| Assertiveness: Medium |
| Friendliness: Medium |
| Sociability: Medium |
| Excitement Seeking: Very Low |
dd [9:18 PM]
Saturday, January 21, 2006
蚂蚁尚且偷生，但我。。。。。
1st wk of sch passed, managed to hang on till lesson end. Quite relieve that Monday teacher say to us that it is ok for us to go late or go off early as long as we turn out she is happy enough and Friday teacher is the one who din bother to check attendance and mark a cross if you din turn out, so is gd news for me as i can escape half way or dun go when really feeling bad. I hope i dun need to do that often, later my classmate sure bad impression of me. Another piece of gd news is that the passing marks for the course drop to 40 out of 100 instead of 50. The investment continue to pay me, if everything goes well, Feb i will start seeing real profit :)
My colleuge in AIG called me yesterday to ask me play soccer on Mon. Sad that i wasn't able to join them. My soccer team have not been playing soccer since i sick, I thought they shld really continue to play since they able to play..... Now even going out i also cant confirm early liao, my condition on the day itself determined for me, i got no choice. Emotion also have to determined by my condition. I can be happy when i feeling better, when bad i tried not to think about it but still... fighting against vexed,fear and my weak body is not a easy things to do. Really dunoe if 1 day i will lose control and become crazy...
dd [2:43 PM]
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
This goes on.....
hmm... my daily life really nth much to say now.... everyday staying at comp use computer, watch shows (watch alot alot shows liao), sleep,reading... still not much improvement about my illness... dunoe wats wrong also. Nose?? maybe ba, used to flu almost everyday, but now already 2mths+ no flu liao. Maybe nose spoilt le. chest/heart will pain abit stime also. sch starts next wk... hope teacher dun mark attendance ba... so if not well i can take attendance liao n notes den go home. Wun have that peace of mind to study as well, dun wan to see me sudd in class cannot breadth n create havoc in class.
Alot of things used to do not able to do now... life really unpredictable. Maybe shldn't complain so much, there are others worst fate den me... i just another unlucky 1 ba... grant me a better life next life k?(is there really such things as next life?? ) puzzled...
dd [8:09 PM]
Friday, December 30, 2005
Got paid again!!
Ok, just recieve payment for my 2nd investment :) I have also create another site using Blogger to keep u all and myself updates of how much i am investing and how much i am getting! The website is http://ddleisurely.blogspot.com As for me... well, dun seems to get any better... still sometime bad...sometime worst... Doc also cant tell much wats wrong... Sch is going to start in Jan 3rd wks... dunoe want ask for refund or not... -_- Christmas and New year also cant go out... How i miss soccer... Seems like cant have a leisurely life i after sia... living in pain more likely ba...
dd [5:56 PM]
